You Are the Rake

A lot of stuff has happened in the past two weeks or so. Firstly, I found myself tested in terms of maturity and ability to forgive. Although it made for a few moments of spontaneous bursting into tears and one or two wine-fueled bitch sessions with my ladies, I think I managed to stay relatively level-headed and I’m impressed with myself for that. One thing I’ve gained over the last three years is a certain amount of insight that I can apply to less than desirable situations and see the human elements of anything. No matter what happens, I will always hold this person in a very dear place in my heart. But enough about that. Let’s talk about my otherwise awesome time!

So, I’m president of Soulstice aka my dorky but lovable and freakishly good looking a cappella group. This bodes well for the entertainment quota of the upcoming year. About half of us got into cars and headed off for a weekend in Toronto. We did a couple of gigs, but the focus was really the bonding and there was plenty of that. There was also plenty of free beer, so things got a little silly, but never the less. There were a lot of really great conversations and what seemed like genuinely comfortable moments. I want more of both of those in my life. It also just felt interesting to have this very Montreal/McGill group in my (other) city, walking through my neighbourhoods and down my streets and stopping into my favourite places. Interesting, and also very nice. A want to mush my worlds together more somehow, because I love many things and people in both Toronto and Montreal and nothing feels out of place in either of them.

The rest of the group went back to Montreal, but I decided to stick around Toronto for the rest of the week. It was spent primarily with my family, particularly my darling little sister. We’ve become so much closer since we were younger and it’s really awesome. She’s moving away from home (but she’s staying in Toronto) tomorrow, so parents will officially be empty nesters, asides from our two weird cats. That’s kind of odd. But yeah, gallivanting around with Veronica and meeting up with various Torontonians filled my days rather nicely. I also had a (non-romantic) reunion with my ex-boyfriend from my later high school years. It was nice to see how we’ve both grown up and changed and that we’re both mostly out of the bad places we were in when we were together. We didn’t know how to be right for each other, and that’s okay, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t be friends. That’s the philosophy I’m trying to impose on all my past relationships, I guess. Being friends with exes is tough, though, and I can’t say I’m going to be the best at it and I’ve failed at keeping it together already. Trial and error?

As soon as I got back to Montreal, I was greeted by my wonderful high school friend Devon and her friend Heather, who stayed with me in my apartment for a week. The week was basically spent walking around Montreal, drinking too much, being very hilarious and staying up late-ish. Devon makes amazingly gorgeous bows for her company Dagworthy, which you should check out. She was in the city to sell her collection to some boutiques, which she did! That said, she’s going to come by to visit again in June/July to hit up a few more boutiques and have some more delightful adventures here with me! We spent a lot of time with other high school friends in the city, particularly the lovely Ms. Bekky O’Neil.

Speaking of which, while Devon was in town, I interviewed to put on Hedwig and the Angry Inch with the oh-so-talented Ms. Jessica Kostuck in Players’ Theatre… And we frigging got it! We’ll be opening the season in October with an eight night run. Kind of amazing. Also, our final night is on halloween, which just screams for a $1 wine punk rock/glammed out drag-themed party. Kind of amazing. Bekky is doing lights/sets/puppets (!!!) and Devon is doing costumes. They’ve also offered to help make gorgeous posters. I am already so excited I could die. I’ve been in love with this show since the beginning of high school and I always said I wanted to put it on some day and now we are. This is kind of a dream come true and I can’t wait to get started.

In other theatrical news, I’m choreographing for the Arts Undergraduate Theatre Society again next year. I don’t know if I can say what we’ve narrowed our choices down to, but suffice it to say that in terms of the shows themselves as well as the (very sizable) dance components, I am overjoyed. Plus, the creative team is going to be legendary AND full of very cute boys. As is the trend in musical theatre, these boys don’t like girls. Ah well, such is life. Also, I’m involved in movement development and possibly choreography in a fledgling McGill theatre group’s production of The Polaroid Stories happening at the end of May in Players’ Theatre. I am just racking up the theatre credits. Now all that we need is to have AUTS approve a sideshow of Dr. Horrible’s Singalong Blog and we’re in business! And it’ll pave the way for my triumphant return to the stage… “Four sweatervests!”

I’ve been being wistful and going on walks and hanging out in parks and weird abandoned but gorgeous places and going to fruit markets and drinking tea in beautiful cafes and generally maintaining my excessively pretty unicorn/spontaneous music/dance party lifestyle. Certain friends like to mock me for it, but this is genuinely the person I want to be. I’ve spent so many years just leaving things at the surface and not letting anything seep in. If bombarding my senses with the smell and feel of rain on my fire escape at 3am is the only way I can feel, that’s how it’s going to be. I have to reintroduce myself to a life where sleeping all day and coming out at night to seem productive and vaguely normal is not an option. I was very accustomed to complacency and it didn’t suit me.

In this life that I’ve now totally committed myself to, I will eventually need two things: a job and a significant other. The job is obviously much more immediately necessary, so I’m taking care of it. As for the significant other issue, I’m frankly pretty sure I’m not ready yet. It’s only been a month and even though we were sort of checked out towards the end of our relationship, there are weird residual moments that come to creep up and get in the way when I’m not expecting them. But there are certain things I miss, not about Mark, but just about having that person. I mean, of course I miss that, but I also miss more simple things, and probably much more so. I really, really, really miss kissing. I make it no big secret that I have been told I’m a pretty awesome kisser. I just want to share that with someone. And I miss hand holding, especially when pressed up palm to palm with fingertips touching and slowly rubbing together. Oh, and having someone to push my hair behind my ears or draw along the part where the base of my neck meets my shoulders. There are times when I know all of this is coming again down the line, but there are more pessimistic moments where these thoughts bring on a face in hands kind of slow exhalation with that mix of familiar sensation, loneliness and anxiety that maybe it will take much longer than I think.

Still, I was reading through an old journal from June 2005 and I found my list of what I want in a partner. I say partner, but when I am honest with myself, I’m fairly certain this partner will be a dude. Just being straight up. No pun intended. Without further ado, here is what 18 year old Claire wanted, and what I’m pretty sure 22 year old Claire still wants. The parenthesized comments are from me now.

-I know I like a guy when the things they do make me put my hand on my colar bones. (It’s kinda tell-tale, but I think I’ve started doing it generally in life, so it’s not so clear cut.)

-I’m attracted to guys who remind me of Muppets.
 (I have a huge Kermit the Frog complex. I’m totally Miss Piggy.)
-If I’m in a dance class and there’s a guy a beat behind in the routine, chances are that boy will be kissed by me at some point.
 (I don’t dance much with boys anymore, so I guess this falls more generally into the flagrantly bad dancer category, which I find somehow endearing.)
-Everyone I’ve ever dated has had a funny walk.
 (I don’t know if this is true anymore. I do, however, appreciate a good strut.)
-My biggest romantic problem is that I frequently confuse attraction with pity.
 (Um, yeah. I love a lost puppy.)
-I’m attracted to guys with high-ish voices. (And yet I dated an ultra-bass for three years.)

-I’m always a little too much like the guys who I date.
 (Is there such a thing as “too much?”)
-I enjoy self-depricating humour from guys.
 (It is my kryptonite.)
-I always date musicians, or the highly musically inclined.
 (As a member of the instrumentally-challenged, I just die over someone who can play an instrument or two or seven. Just don’t try to serenade me. That shit is awkward.)
-I date guys who would not look out of place wearing a bowtie.
 (It goes with the sheepish Kermit the Frog thing.)
-I love it when men have shakey hands/sweaty palms.
 (I just have a thing for hands in general.)
-I muthafuckin’ love redheads.
 (I still think they’re cute, but this isn’t really a “thing” for me anymore.)
-I have a thing for mama’s boys.
 (I think I may rescind this one. There’s a fine line between a family-oriented person and someone who lets their parents make their decisions for them.)
-Everyone I date has a geeky obsession. (I LOVE GEEKS SO MUCH. Ahem. But yes, geeking out is awesome and adorable.)

-I love guys who are genuinely surprised when they do something cool/right. (Once again, the self-deprecating, aw shucks kind of guy just stabs me in the heart with cuteness.)

-I love geeky laughs with snorts.
 (I don’t know if I know/have dated any snorters. I am a bit of a closet gigglesnorter, so I would be so pleased to hear one.)
-I love forehead kisses. (Uhhhhhhh yes.)

-I love freckly bodies. (Ditto. Freckles, birthmarks, moles, interesting scars. I enjoy playing connect the dots.)

-I love long boy feets.
 (It’s not like a fetish or anything. Hells no. I just think they’re cute. Mine are cute and shoeless 90% of the time, and I’m a lapsed modern dancer, so I can just appreciate a good arch, I guess.)
-I love quick shy kisses. (A little peck on the cheek is the best signifier of a crush. It is also instantly followed by escalating kisses and full-blown makeouts. And, as we all know, I am king of the makeouts.)

So yeah, I know that I probably shouldn’t think about this too much since this is the summer to treat my body better, grow my hair out, get my freckle on, read in parks and generally become more awesome. I just know that I have a lot to offer. I’m a very sensual person, despite my cute/weird exterior. I know about 100 first date spots that are amazing and inspiring and full of a decidedly date-ish but pressureless aura. (I’m always saddened to hear about people going to boring places for first dates.) I guess I’m just kind of a romantic adventurer and I want to share cool places, great music, awesome conversation and some mild flirtation with someone, even if it’s not leading anywhere in particular any time soon. Fuck. It’s springtime and a young girl’s fancy turns to this kind of stuff… I can’t help it. It goes with the floaty skirts and sandals I don for the season.

The Pilgrim Soul in You

I’m way overdue for a post, and there will be one, but today is busy for me. Still I wanted to leave you with a poem that’s been weighing on my mind a lot recently. Mostly just the pilgrim soul, which I feel that I alone have seen in people.

When You Are Old

When you are old and gray and full of sleep
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true;
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face.

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead,
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

W. B. Yeats

How to Stay Happy in Music, in School and in Life

We all come to university with the best of intentions: to practice every day, to get our homework done on time and to generally excel in every capacity. Props to anyone who manages to do this, even half of the time, but it’s definitely not for all of us and I believe that laziness is certainly not the only cause. What I’m getting at is that there are some people who just aren’t really as into the academic pursuit of music as they thought and they realize this somewhere along their university experience, often much too late to feel like there’s any way to change things. Once this reality sets in, it’s really easy to become disillusioned with school, leading to missed classes, phoned-in lessons, significantly decreased practice time and a general sense of rebellion towards anything that encompasses musical education. Feeling we (and I very much include myself in this category) have made a mistake in choosing this path, we are left to wander the halls of the music building, watching others in their excitement as they audition for exclusive ensembles, attend special master classes and generally live the lives we thought we’d be living. Okay, maybe it’s not as bleak as all that, but it does suck.

This isn’t just a performance major issue, either. Sure, it may be more likely among people who realize that they don’t have the drive/desire/perceived talent to be a professional performer, but this type of insecurity can plague any number of majors. It’s experienced by anyone who came here, tried really hard to get into it, faked it by playing the game as long as they possibly could and finally just thought: “You know what? This isn’t getting any better and it’s probably just not for me.” This realization can be spurred on by a number of things: recurring negative feedback without seeing a constructive side, bad experiences (and grades!) in one (or many!) of the required classes, the extremely competitive atmosphere that hangs around the music faculty at times, feeling like they have to stay myopically focused on music (to the exclusion of extracurriculars) in order to succeed, feeling like they haven’t picked up non-music-related book in months, etc… Regardless of the reason, these feelings are extremely valid and it seems as though there’s no real sounding board to express them. So few people will admit to feeling this way, and people who don’t seem as enthused as the rest are often seen as odd ones out and less deserving of the title of musician. Harsh, but true, at least in some circles.

So, what do you do? I wish someone would have told me.